Pieces That No Longer Fit

A few years ago, something emerged in my life that drastically changed me. It was devastating in many ways and I became a person I no longer recognize.  I slowly watched this implosion happen in my life, as if I was watching from a distant mountain, knowing what was happening without any control over the outcome. A slow motion train wreck... a silent atomic bomb waiting to detonate...
Once the impact hit, I crumbled.  I cried. I drank. I denied.  I curled up and slept.  I could not sleep.  I screamed.  I ran. I shut down. I reached out.  I built walls. I needed my friends.  I had drama that they did not want to be part of.  I felt abandoned.  And I've made myself busy, and busier and busier.

I lost my way.  I looked into the mirror and gazed straight through myself.

Do you know what that is like?  Have you ever done this?  It is quite terrifying to look into my own eyes and see the nothingness engulfing me.  I no longer felt anything at a point.  Numb to the core.  There are still days like this.  It has an icy grip, dragging its claws across my skin leaving indentions that do not seem to heal.

And then there are days that go seemingly okay.  I put on my smile, but it is just on my mouth, not in my eyes or in my heart.  I hold my head high and do what needs to be done and what I "create" needs to be done.

I started this blog about my healing.  I want to expose my heart and pain I have endured and bring it to light, so that I may help others overcome and surmount the pain and hurt that comes with a deep impact to their life.  I feel that by reassuring others that those days of hiding are always going to be there, but they get fewer and fewer as the years go by.  Daily, I search for sunshine. I may not always find it, but I do look for it.  I love to do for others, listen to their stories and attempt to shine some light and knowledge into the struggles they may be facing.  Sometimes, my bitterness arises and I just need to sit back and cry.  But, if something I say or an example I set helps another lost and empty soul, if something I write here, allows another to thrive, then all my heartache is not in vain.

As life chips away at me, I try to collect the pieces, examine them and decide if they are worth the super glue or if that piece is better off served to the trash.  It is the most difficult thing to take your life apart and evaluate each piece.  What if you discard something that you should have held onto and you can never get it back?  What if that one piece you hang on to is taking up the space that something so much better can fit in?  How do we know?  When do you realize that maybe none of the pieces fit together anymore and you need to throw them in the air and let them fall where they may?

There, once again, is no answer.  But, I feel that if I listen to myself, to others, to the silence, that I may be able to see more clearly where the pieces should fall.  And I can reach out to the next person with pieces falling to the floor and help them pick up the ones that matter and still create a whole person, leaving out the pieces that no longer fit.



Comments

  1. It's always easier to pick up someone else's pieces. Sometimes it hurts too much to look at the shards of your own. Hopefully, there will always be someone to pick up mine, and I will be able to pick up someone else's.

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    Replies
    1. That is what we are here for... For Each Other...

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